Friday, September 19, 2008

Herry Womm

It's not greek. It's not spanish. You know it is not french. It is quite surprisingly, Hindi! And, it's the name of the new Himesh Reshammiya song from Karzzz, Hari Om.

The capped crusader is back, and for once he has lost his cap. But replaced it with a wig which is more disastrous than the one Rani Mukherjee used in Laaga Chunari Mein Daag. For all those who were expecting to see Himesh's bat-lair of a scalp, this is disappointing news.

But for those who want to take non-stop digs at this 'Naak naak naakin' on heaven's door' singer, these are wonderful news. He looks as bad as ever, acts terrible even when he mouths only a single line of dialog and sings as nasally as ever before. And to add to these miseries, you have ta-tanananana tandoori nights and the latest herry womm.

The video for the herry womm song features Himesh on stage enthralling a huge audience of sinus victims with his song and dance. Dance, yes, that rhythmic thing you do with your body accompanied to a song.

Except. For Himesh, dancing really means taking six steps to the right and raising his hands another six times. Then taking six steps to the left and raising his hands another six times. And this whole 'dance move' repeats for, you guessed it. Six times.

For those who are still puzzled with all this, here is a video.
Disclaimer: This video is for representational purposes only. The website or the author (lame skinned me) do not take any responsibility for your contraction of diarrhoea, tubercolosis, cancer, or even AIDS.


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Cow-A-Bangalore

I hate cows. I mean I don't hate cows as a part of the animal kingdom, but I just hate them on the roads. Bangalore has enough traffic worries even without the cows. The heights was when a particularly long car had to stop diagonally across the road so that the guy inside could get a good blessing from the cow. Other motorists who weren't so cow-inclined had some equally honest 'blessings' for the guy as well.

I mean, they are cows. Legs, ears, eyes, nose, tail, udders. Nothing we don't have (ok, scratch the last two). I understand that they're a huge part of the Hindu religion and all that. But on roads they are just a misery for various reasons:
1) They are slow. They crawl and make absolutely no use of those four legs.
2) They think there is grass on Bangalore roads. I mean, Bangalore roads hardly have any roads, forget grass.
3) They drop humongous piles of cow dung.
4) They are plain traffic dumb. Unlike dogs. Dogs are in abundance in Bangalore, but they are traffic friendly. They are quick and rarely cause a traffic block.

There aren't half as many cows as there are dogs. If there are dog relocation programmes by the Government, there should be a cow relocation programme. I know all you religious right wingers are gonna scorn at me for suggesting something like this. But, there is a way.

Temples take donations. Why don't we start a new hundi (donation box) to create a large green space outside of the city where these cows can roam freely. And eat freely. But that's not the end of the story. There's more good news. Let us make this new habitat for our traffic-weary cows a monument. Let's make it our... (drum rolls here)... Cow Temple. Nandi will be the main deity and we can throw in Lord Shiva, Parvathy and the likes as well. I am sure it will be a huge success. And who better to give us those other-worldly blessings, than the hundreds of cows grazing happily on the monument lawns.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Archive Ulcer

It started with one small burp. Then it grew to farts. Sitemeter informed me (via email) that my blog was stinking. These days it has started farting every 5 minutes. Apparently the blogosphere has taken a leaf from the Beijing Olympics and sent a climate-changing shell up to its heights. The time had arrived for me to take this blog to intensive care.

The doctor said it wasn't a big deal. Said it was more like a stomach ulcer; except that blogs don't really have a stomach. They have what he termed 'archives'. And this blog archive was particularly starving. The idle internet released acids on its sensitive '.css' file which burnt it pretty bad.

So I have decided to feed it more. This time, it will be more of an imposition than a vow. Imposition on you guys to read this crap. Imposition on me to write more crap. Apparently, by writing more crap, my crappy writing becomes less crappier. And I thought my earlier post was shitty.

Eat shit; in other words, heres a pledge (like the ones our ministers take). No more posts related to shit, crap, stool, poop or any other excrements. This blog, from today, will be a place where I improve your life. Ok, it may not be that ambitious, but here's why. A good read a day, is well a great thing. A bad read a day is even better; coz you get to criticise.

Cheers to a new and much livelier blog.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Shitting Through Our Mouths

There is an episode of South Park in which Eric Cartman discovers that if you shove food up your ass it comes through your mouth as, well SHIT!!! Yeah, I know it sounds a bit creepy and disgusting and all that, and you are entitled to feel that way. After all, its South Park.

The truth about Indian Sports is stranger than such antics of South Park. They just cannot come up with the right access to this pipeline. India has received much accolades (compared to our previous shabby history) this year thanks to some brilliant sportspeople. At the achievements of these guys, what does our sports ministry (lets say Government in general) do? They shower them with cash inaams of 50 lakhs and name streets and markets in their name. That. Is shit coming out of the mouth.

The correct way for this 50lakh was for the ministry to invest it on facilities and have faith in these youngsters. But no, in India anything related to sports becomes BIG ONLY if there are accolades. Accolades, not spirit. We need heroes we can look up to; not sports which can liberate us. In a way, we are all shoving food up our asses and shitting through our mouths. Imagine this REALLY improbable scenario. Imagine, Indian football team, through some odds made it to the Football World Cup. You can see how THAT will increase the popularity of football in our country.

But well, we don't live in an ideal world. An ideal India on the other hand is most other countries' perception of an ideal hell. So I take my confidence-in-Indian-Sports paani puri, crumple it up my ass and probably in 2012 London olympics many more medals may rise against the Indian tally, and I will quietly lay my golden nugget of crap, through my mouth.

Friday, August 08, 2008

A Good Bye note to my former employer

This was published in the newsletter at my previous project. IT is finally over for me, and I move forward to something a bit more taxing on the brains and a little less on the nerves.


There is a little thorn stuck in my heart as I am writing this. Later when I am done, it goes as an email and then into the document you are reading this from. In this slightly dizzying journey, are words that are traveling from one form to another. I hope the journey is worthwhile, if by the end of it, you feel something pricking on your heart.

Three years ago, in the sprawling banquet hall of Gold Finch Hotel, I started my journey of a career. A career in the IT industry with one of the big players in the market. At that time, Accenture was a little known name outside of the IT circle. I had to convince my parents and their friends that I am taking the right choice when I had two more offers from well known indigenous IT companies. Right now, three years down that line, when i tell people that I am working with Accenture, I see that glint of awareness in people's eyes. People over 50 who works as Chartered Accountants and Hospital nurses in remote corners of Kerala know that there is a pretty big company that goes by the name Accenture; and I am proud to be associated with that name.

The journey from a recluse college goer to an IT professional is something that scares you at first. Then when you join the company you think it is going to be like college; except that you get money at the end of every month. Not a bad prospect. But incomprehensibly, there is this change that happens inside us. Till the end of our college, we are with people who we like. Studying is a personal task. You don't really need the help of anyone else to achieve good marks in examinations. But that changes when you are working. You realise that the work you do is a small but significant part of a large enterprise. Here you learn how a team of people from diverse backgrounds and ethnicity gel together to achieve things that you are incapable of doing yourself. Here, you learn true team spirit.

"Where there are people, there is politics," said a disenchanted friend of mine once. Close to 7 months into the project, I told my friend that his theory wasn't always true. ACG as a project is the best thing to happen in my time with Accenture. I found people who are passionate about work and passionate about people. I have heard people saying ACG is a great project to work in. I brace myself as I go into the same cliche; ACG, without doubt, is an absolute dream of a project with people who you actually love to work with.

I have gone around telling people that I will like anything which has a soul in it. Even the worst movies, if it was made with a genuine soul, a genuine non-monetory intent, will appeal to me. Likewise I try to find a soul in every person I meet; one single identifiable entity that encompasses who they are. If they are true to themselves, their intent is good. Outside they might not be the most capable in their work, but inside you can see their will burning bright. ACG is filled with people with will and courage to get the work done in the best way possible.

It was this bright beacon from a person I look up to a lot, that started this newsletter. From an idea that might have been just instantaneous, this newsletter began taking a physical form. The contributions and discussions and execution of every month of the newsletter was something I cherished a lot. To be honest, it is here that I actually gained the confidence in writing. Here, within this frame of THIS pdf, are words. Words that are put together after countless hours of thoughts and rework. Words that convey a message, words that has an intent, a soul. If you don't read it, you are missing something. Heck, forget this newsletter, every word that you see anywhere, from shampoo bottles to encyclopedias, conveys a message. It has an intent. It is trying to get an idea into your head. A wise man once said, a word read is a penny earned.

Having been part of the newsletter team from its conception, it is with trembling fingers that I write these last few words. After this, my words are not going to find a place in this newsletter. Am I the one who is forsaking it, or is it the reverse? Either way, the apparent end is an uneasy one. The end of all journeys is the beginning of another one. Likewise, when my journey with this newsletter, with ACG and with Accenture ends, I am embarking on something new. I will be a happy person, if through this journey with Accenture, I have left some footprints behind that others can follow.

The thorn in my heart is off now, but a slightly irritating pain remains. A wound that will never really heal completely. We tend to forget it as we move along in life. But touch that spot sometime, and it will bring back the same nagging pain. A pain so subtle, you enjoy it. The pain of the happy times I have spent here, in your company, that is slowly going out of my grasp.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

The GuJju Perspective

The bumper sticker is not too bad... just a little, hmm, self-reflective so to say.

PS: If the image is not really clear, here's the dope. The environmental friendly bumper sticker is stuck upside down.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Perfume Melody

A song that I am loving these days. I searched the whole net for the lyrics but couldn't find it. So I decided to go the old fashioned way and wrote the lyrics down as I listened to the song.

My Private Sunshine - Ashley Slater

Here comes the sunshine
It burns away clouds like they never were
My own private sunshine
She walks on the earth but I love her

And now I'm feeling in a better way
The darkest night wont steal my light away

A perfume melody
A scent of the mind sweet as flower
And now I'm feeling in a better way
The darkest night wont steal my light way
A perfume melody
The scent of the mind sweet as flower...

Here comes the sunshine
And it all becomes clear from my point of view
My own private sunshine
The joy that I have comes through loving you

And now its always shining just for me
And rainy days are just a place to see...

A perfume melody
The scent of the mind sweet as flower...

And now its always shining just for me..
And rainy days are just a place to see...

A perfume melody
The scent of the mind sweet as flower...

A perfume melody...

Heres the video for those interested: