Friday, September 26, 2008

IT - Indian Terror

The news channels are going berserk. Finally a terror outfit that functions like an MNC. There are designations, project plans, risk analysis and territorial delegations.

The recent crack up of the Indian Mujahiddeen has presented itself as a five course dinner for the news channels. Especially hungry are Headlines Today, Aaj Tak, India TV and Star News. No surprises there.

Headlines Today aired a show called the Web of Terror yesterday (September 25, 2008). What they also managed to do was to grab a hammer, take a nine inch nail and drive it straight through your skull. No. They were not finished yet. That was just their bg'm'. They proceeded to pluck the nine incher, firmly placed in the thick of your brain, by announcing that the information they are so confidently airing is from a "secret source" in the Police Department. Then they hammered the nail back into our skulls with the rest of the show that actually convicted these people. Isn't there a clause somewhere in the rule books of news channels that a person not yet found guilty by the court of law has to addressed as "accused"?

The show presented the Indian Mujahiddeen as something we all could relate to; an IT company. You know those blue-collared, knotted-on-the-neck professionals responsible for the Indian economy's flourish.

So with the show, someone became the Head of Operations of their Delhi unit. "Like the CEO of a company," they informed us.  There was a Human Resource manager who "recruited" new blood into the outfit. And this one takes the cake. They have a Public Relations Officer. A Public Relations officer for a terror outfit. And I thought I had seen everything. Or heard everything.

You can just imagine the role of a Public Relations officer. Once they have successfully completed a blast, the Public Relations guy calls a press conference. He then proceeds to inform the world in front of camera flashes that it was their diligence in planning and executing this operation that has successfully killed hundreds. You know this is going into his annual performance review.

So. I'm a buns hole sitting in my chair and trivialising a national menace that has killed thousands. Adjust those glasses a bit and tune your hearing aid. 

I did not start this. One viewing of the programme in discussion that was aired on national television ( ! ) and you see there is a responsibility at rapid threat here - integrity of news channels. The supposedly serious matter has been trivialised or sensationalised for TRPs. It is a much blown horn of concern this, decline of integrity. But I bow down before you, my majestic audience, and blow it just once more. Pom!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Darkos, Drives and Desi Smokers

Herd mentality is a bad thing. You are stuck in a crowd, and you start thinking like the crowd. Your individuality goes for a toss. 

Imagine you are in an elevator with five other people. There is a next-to-zero chance of you striking a conversation with them. Now, if the elevator gets stuck somewhere. You crack a joke about saying your prayers. Or the sad state of elevators. Somehow, a common fear always brings people closer.

Is that the reason why 'No Smoking' bombed? 

You are in a movie theater with a hundred odd other people (I saw it on the first day of release, so the count is justified). The movie chugs along better than most other movies, with a story line which is weird, but still comprehensible. And suddenly, the elevator stops. You lose connect with the movie. The last half an hour beats your intellect. Now that is really a question for your highly inflated ego. You are a successful businessman, or IT professional, or whoever. You cannot fail to comprehend something. That too something as 'trivial' as a movie. Our sixth sense kicks into action, and we sense the same fear in others. Ah! Now its time for the jokes. The director must have lost it. Your boo is echoed by other boos from the crowd. Result? Bad movie.

I liked the movie and was ready to 'overcome' this slight issue of not getting this movie. I had faith in Anurag Kashyap, and knew there was something in there. This though not obvious at first, is definitely there. It has to make sense somehow. But how many of us are really ready to take that step?

Recently I saw two familiar movies, which made no sense at first. But the way these movies are made, you build this faith in the director. He will not take your hand and guide you through the movie only to throw you off a cliff in the end. You sit down and think. (SPOILERS) Donnie Darko has some obvious references to time travel, so maybe the end can be justified with that theory. Mulholland Drive has this reference about dreams. So maybe, you can interpret the movie as a surreal dream. These are again just interpretations and not necessarily a conclusive fact.

Good art, they say is like connecting the dots. You remember those numbered dots you have in children's books. You connect them and you get the picture. Now you take the numbers off these dots. This series of seemingly unrelated dots can be interpreted to many images. It can be a duck, or a dinosaur. Appreciating art is all about interpreting art.

No Smoking is a very well made movie. Its production qualities are some of the best ever in Hindi movies; even better than the big budget super-hero kinds. Sadly, it didn't work. Because our brains are better put to use in our 9 to 6 jobs than in a two-and-a-half hour movie. And please, we cannot be wrong. The director was smoking Afghan Hash.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A great risk...

...when you blog about grammar and typogarphical mistakes is, you get ripped apart if you make a typo of your own.
See this for example.

And, stop drooling. typogarphical is intentional.

Waats your name?

The question is a tricky one. The name you choose can set you back by Rs.400 or more. Ben is a pretty good choice. John is probably not. Shekhar is quite the worst choice you can make. Who would have known that the syllables you have in your name will help a policeman analyze the alcohol content in your body?

God knows this technique is still better than the breath analyzer gizmo some of the Bangalore cops carry around. My friend broke the record for "alcohol" content one day. To this day, he swears he just had gelucil. You might disagree. The cops might too. Electronics can't go wrong, right?

But if you were to make a choice between the two techniques, you will have to see which one of those is a lesser misery.

You really don't want a sweaty policeman bringing his face close to yours. Ask your name and wait anxiously for the whiff of intoxicant. You tell him your name and pray he doesn't close his eyes now.

Neither do you want to blow into a tube that God knows how many others have blown into. Chances of you getting caught for drunken driving might be low (unless you are having a bad case of laryngitis and took some expectorants), but the chances of you contracting some disease can be really high. Syphilis?

Think again, and you really wouldn't mind just handing the cop Rs.400 as soon as he approaches you. Saves you possible thousands towards hospital expenses. Or think about the trauma of having a near romantic encounter with a fat, sweaty policeman at the middle of the night. Guess it's a boon that they decided to cut down on nightlife. Hail this might city! If you are still wondering "Where on hell?" Bangalore my friends, Bangalore.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Herry Womm

It's not greek. It's not spanish. You know it is not french. It is quite surprisingly, Hindi! And, it's the name of the new Himesh Reshammiya song from Karzzz, Hari Om.

The capped crusader is back, and for once he has lost his cap. But replaced it with a wig which is more disastrous than the one Rani Mukherjee used in Laaga Chunari Mein Daag. For all those who were expecting to see Himesh's bat-lair of a scalp, this is disappointing news.

But for those who want to take non-stop digs at this 'Naak naak naakin' on heaven's door' singer, these are wonderful news. He looks as bad as ever, acts terrible even when he mouths only a single line of dialog and sings as nasally as ever before. And to add to these miseries, you have ta-tanananana tandoori nights and the latest herry womm.

The video for the herry womm song features Himesh on stage enthralling a huge audience of sinus victims with his song and dance. Dance, yes, that rhythmic thing you do with your body accompanied to a song.

Except. For Himesh, dancing really means taking six steps to the right and raising his hands another six times. Then taking six steps to the left and raising his hands another six times. And this whole 'dance move' repeats for, you guessed it. Six times.

For those who are still puzzled with all this, here is a video.
Disclaimer: This video is for representational purposes only. The website or the author (lame skinned me) do not take any responsibility for your contraction of diarrhoea, tubercolosis, cancer, or even AIDS.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


I hate cows. I mean I don't hate cows as a part of the animal kingdom, but I just hate them on the roads. Bangalore has enough traffic worries even without the cows. The heights was when a particularly long car had to stop diagonally across the road so that the guy inside could get a good blessing from the cow. Other motorists who weren't so cow-inclined had some equally honest 'blessings' for the guy as well.

I mean, they are cows. Legs, ears, eyes, nose, tail, udders. Nothing we don't have (ok, scratch the last two). I understand that they're a huge part of the Hindu religion and all that. But on roads they are just a misery for various reasons:
1) They are slow. They crawl and make absolutely no use of those four legs.
2) They think there is grass on Bangalore roads. I mean, Bangalore roads hardly have any roads, forget grass.
3) They drop humongous piles of cow dung.
4) They are plain traffic dumb. Unlike dogs. Dogs are in abundance in Bangalore, but they are traffic friendly. They are quick and rarely cause a traffic block.

There aren't half as many cows as there are dogs. If there are dog relocation programmes by the Government, there should be a cow relocation programme. I know all you religious right wingers are gonna scorn at me for suggesting something like this. But, there is a way.

Temples take donations. Why don't we start a new hundi (donation box) to create a large green space outside of the city where these cows can roam freely. And eat freely. But that's not the end of the story. There's more good news. Let us make this new habitat for our traffic-weary cows a monument. Let's make it our... (drum rolls here)... Cow Temple. Nandi will be the main deity and we can throw in Lord Shiva, Parvathy and the likes as well. I am sure it will be a huge success. And who better to give us those other-worldly blessings, than the hundreds of cows grazing happily on the monument lawns.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Archive Ulcer

It started with one small burp. Then it grew to farts. Sitemeter informed me (via email) that my blog was stinking. These days it has started farting every 5 minutes. Apparently the blogosphere has taken a leaf from the Beijing Olympics and sent a climate-changing shell up to its heights. The time had arrived for me to take this blog to intensive care.

The doctor said it wasn't a big deal. Said it was more like a stomach ulcer; except that blogs don't really have a stomach. They have what he termed 'archives'. And this blog archive was particularly starving. The idle internet released acids on its sensitive '.css' file which burnt it pretty bad.

So I have decided to feed it more. This time, it will be more of an imposition than a vow. Imposition on you guys to read this crap. Imposition on me to write more crap. Apparently, by writing more crap, my crappy writing becomes less crappier. And I thought my earlier post was shitty.

Eat shit; in other words, heres a pledge (like the ones our ministers take). No more posts related to shit, crap, stool, poop or any other excrements. This blog, from today, will be a place where I improve your life. Ok, it may not be that ambitious, but here's why. A good read a day, is well a great thing. A bad read a day is even better; coz you get to criticise.

Cheers to a new and much livelier blog.